Release date: July 23, 2012
This is the greatest rescuing of All Time
What’s up everybody, it’s Cr1TiKaL, I’m playing FBI Hostage Rescue for the PC, let’s do this shit.
Alright, give me the scoop officer, what do we got. This asshole looks like he’s just seen a ghost. I’ll figure out what’s going on on my own. There’s something glowing over here. Probably the work of the aliens. No, that’s just a standard titty massager. How do I open it? Who needs to open it when you can walk right through it, I suppose. How else would you do it? Alright, time to show this door who wears the pants. Let me try “enter.” It fucking worked! Watch out smart people, I opened a door. Oh shit! I saw right through that camouflage, trying to blend into the floor. On a normal adversary, that probably would have worked, but I have trained myself to distinguish a floor from a human being. Oh shit, he’s moving! Take cover. Nothing says “security” like the protection of a watermelon. What the fuck is this? A mini harpoon gun? I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try and use it on this bitch. Just gotta tiptoe - shit! How did he know where I was? His ass cheeks must have informed him of my location. Fuck, I just shot the cereal. Whoever buys that is gonna be an unhappy consumer. Finally. I shot the burglar. What the fuck is that depressed-looking organism? Is that a zombie or the hostage? Oh, it’s the hostage. How the fuck do I save this hostage? Do I need to rearrange its face with this handheld can opener? Oh, there we go. Just two more hostages to rescue. I think I’m gonna switch to a real weapon instead of this noisy cricket. “Storage?” Which one’s the hostage? Oh shit, that solved that conundrum. Stay out of the line of fire! What do you think you’re doing? I’ll take care of this. Where’d he go? Ah, there he is. Objective done. What are you so afraid of? That bookshelf isn’t gonna help you, come on, stop being so afraid, bitch! Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Alright, let me save the hostage. Ah shit, look, they’re twins. Oh fuck, they’re teaming up on me! What are they doing? Oh, they’re cannibals! They’re trying to devour me! Not my the hair on my chinny-chin-chin! Let me through, door. Fuck, the door’s possessed! There we go. The convenience store is haunted. Oh fuck, he’s relentless, make a run for it! This is much more than a simple burglary. There is some paranormal shit going on in this door. Where is the third hostage? Did one of you shove the entire hostage up your rectum?
You box of piss. I am trying to lead you and your twin to the extraction point, but you are instead climbing to the pinnacle of this building. Do you not want to be saved? You don’t want to be rescued, that’s fine. That’s fine. Oh shit, is he gonna jump? He’s gonna jump! Oh, never mind, he’s just giving us bird’s-eye coverage of the extraction point, making sure everything is secure and safe. That’s good thinking, Sergeant Nipple-Finger. Now I get to go all the way back up there to the Eagle’s Den to rescue that hostage. At least now I know the roof is clear of terrorists.
So this device is used for lock picking. Who would have guessed. Alright, let’s see what’s on the other side of this door. Oh shit, it’s the third hostage. There we go! Yeah! I feel like I just solved one of the Millennium Mathematics Prize problems. How do I… how do I save him? Oh, it saves him automatically. Alright! Let’s roll. What. Is there something on the wall? No, there’s no shit on that wall. Let’s go. Alright… He’s walking like he’s walking away from an explosion - Did that asshole just steal the environment?
We can still make it to the rescue point on time. You have just got to leap, you’ve gotta leap, good leap, go! Shit. You pile of pubic hairs, why didn’t you leap from the building earlier?
Go, go, go, go! Run! The 30, the 20, the 10, touchdown! Alright, now I just gotta find the third hostage.
He was in the same place. He was in the same place! Here we go! Alright, I’m gonna complete this level.
Run. Run! Yes! I am going to complete the level I completed the level! Come on now, there it is! There it is, we’re going on to level 2! Oh, mission briefing, I don’t need that shit! I’m FBI! FBI stands for… Fuck Briefing Igloos. Who reads the mission briefings? Alright, there’s a lot of… a lot of cars here. Someone decided to park their yacht on the highway. Oh shit, enemy encounter! Good thing I have this long-range weaponry. Alright. I see you taking cover behind that car! What the fuck is this? This person’s leg is, like, perpetually kicking a soccer ball. Or dancing. Oh, fuck, there we go. Now he’s taking… taking up the entire staircase. I… I should have guessed that was gonna happen. Alright. Hopefully there’s another entrance to this vehicle, one that’s not guarded by a pair of dancing legs. Here we go. Can I drive this? Nope. Alright, let’s go to the upstairs corridor of the vehicle. Oh fuck, ah there we go. Objective completed. Oh, I completed the level! Alright, there we go, that’s two levels completed in a row! Although I think I’m done playing this.
Well, that’s the end of this video, remember to rate the video, comment the video, and subscribe if you want to see videos similar to this one. See ya.